Walls of Hesitation
For fear of being watched he stole a glance;
Then again and coveted one more chance.
Their accusing eyes were fixed on his face.
He pretended not to notice, staring into space.
Drink up the bottle of beauty he did yearn,
His pain was great but suffering unseen.
Walls of Hesitation is an exquisitely written love story. When something bad is bound to happen to someone, he listens to none, nor does he use his own discretion. This is something that happens to the narrator of this story.
Now read a charming and uplifting teenage love story 'Walls of Hesitation' that has been taken from my book 'Snippets of Life Music'
Jay left his office late on a summer evening and drove back to his flat
slowly in order to plan a party in celebration of his unique achievement
of getting promoted to the rank of administrative officer. Though he was
tired, he was thrilled to bits. Disciplining himself somehow, he arrived
around 10 o’ clock. His maid, who had prepared his evening meal long
before, was waiting for him impatiently. He asked her to leave the meal
entirely to him in the fear that she might show him her anger.
He was already late for dinner, yet he preferred to get some rest just
before having it. But hardly had he stretched himself out on the sofa,
when the phone rang, which seemed entirely like an unwelcoming noise.
He did not like to get it at all, but expecting that the person on the line
might be someone important, he got up and picked up the receiver. His
expectation eventually turned out to be true because he started at the
voice of the caller.
All of the previous feelings had now vanished; he was no more
excited about his promotion. He got into the conversation quite eagerly.
Each word he heard seemed to have fused with a note of divine music,
but it also inhibited him from saying what he really wanted. However, his
enthusiasm did not last long. It was a queer day as he had seldom perceived
such change of heart and mind. The person on the phone caused him a
great pain by reminding him of a serious lapse of judgment that he had
made a year ago and, in consequence, he not only regretted it ever since
but also felt as though life had become a burden for him to bear.
Their talk lasted over half an hour but it could not instil satisfaction
into him. Having put the phone back, he made for the sofa again – now
not with the purpose of taking a rest but of musing over the details of his
past dredged up by the conversation. Pictures of a robbed and shrivelled
life started gliding past his mind’s eye. The night was dark and was going
fast by. The hustle and bustle of the city had stopped. Only the noise
of fast going vehicles occasionally broke the silence. He lay on the sofa,
Snippets of Life Music 4
contemplating. Moments later, he got listening to a vague chatter coming
from the dark air above. Then it seemed as if it was descending on him
gradually. It came down quite too close and at last became audible. On
paying undivided attention to it, he found his emotion and reason talking
to each other – what the very listen to that he had was as follows:
“... I wonder, good old Reason, why we don’t have an easy access to
a thing that we long for; and why we have feelings of guilt about being in
love. Oh dear! What if I love my friend?”
“Mr Emotion, can you tell me why a particular thing attracts you.”
“Why, it’s so simple – the thing I like seems lovely to me.”
“Right then, why do you like or dislike them?”
“It’s perhaps known to you that we make no effort to do so.”
“Oh no, sir, you like them because you need them; and a scarcity
heightens the intensity of need.”
“Nonsense, a need mars the purity of love. Well, what else have I to
do with my friend apart from our love for each other?”
“You don’t have, I suppose. But, uh if you were a girl, would you ever
love her as much as being a boy you do?”
“Don’t try to teach me much. Does a flower give us anything? Why
do we still love it?”
“But it satisfies our sense of sight and smell.”
“Then you must know only my friend can satisfy me, because you
have options to satisfy your needs, but to satisfy your heart, you’ve none.”
“Who asks you to find a substitute for her? Why don’t you argue
convincingly?”
Lying on the settee, Jay continued replaying the conflict between his
emotion and reason that he had been through during a few preceding
years.
“Dear Reason, I don’t have much to do with logic etc. I can discern
what it was like seeing my friend for the first time, and what it was like
falling ultimately in love with her. Oh, by the way, do you remember the
wedding of Niranjan and Anita Bhabi? On this occasion, I was introduced
to her and her parents, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“As you know, I’ve been in love with her ever since I met her there,
Walls of Hesitation 5
and have paid several visits to them in the hope that she might propose to
me, or her parents might give way. I don’t know why they give me a cold
look now.”
“But that does not mean that you believe it was an offer of marriage.”
“That’s why I say you don’t know the language of the heart. What
had I to do with them on that very day? I wasn’t even acquainted with
them. It was not I who initially felt inclined to have a word with them. I
was sitting alone in a chair. I didn’t ask them to sit. Why did they choose
to sit near me? What prompted her mother to inquire about my family
background? Was it not all a sign of their having some purpose? What
way else could they have conveyed you their point?”
“I could be wrong about this.”
“I can say I was bewitched by the grandeur of her celestial beauty.
Likewise, I found that her eyes too had a surge of love and desire for me
when I tried to explore them.”
“You build castles in the air.”
“You don’t feel the need, Mr Reason. I wish you could share feelings.
There are a few so sweet that even gods can’t help longing for them,
believe you me!”
“Keep your vain passions off me, Mr Emotion. You’ve been raving
about them for so long. Why don’t you propose to her?”
“I feel like I am often repressed.”
“In actual fact, you’re afraid of being an object of ridicule.”
“I’m indeed - yes. I hate running after a girl like a depraved lad.”
“Nevertheless, you ought to go and ask her straight out if she
considers you her choice.”
“Oh, it’s impossible - for I feel I have two selves: one of them shows
courage whereas the other soon unnerves him. And owing to it, I behave
- usually in her presence - as if I have no intention to marry her. You’re
expert at investigating the reason behind problems - could you find out
why it happens to me?”
“The two selves you talk about are you and I.”
“Damn you! I don’t want you to guide me. Stop inflicting yourself
on me again! I’d rather let my feelings be my guide.”
“Well, then, I won’t get in the way of you dealing with this matter.
But what would you do if you happen to hesitate yourself?”
Snippets of Life Music 6
“May be, but I’ll try. Anyway, leave it - we’ll consider it later. Let’s
share some great feelings for the meanwhile.”
“Very well, I’d prefer to listen while you share.”
“So whenever I went around to my friend’s, I couldn’t avoid being
over ecstatic about the prospect of meeting her, and what’s more, it felt as
if an hour’s drive within our town was never going to an end. Every time
I had two questions raised...”
“I know what you are to say – you wanted to see your friend without
anyone else being aware of your intention. Do say I’m wrong. Mr
Emotion, it is no good doing so, mind.”
“Mind yours butting in, Mr Reason! You know your cruel remarks
cut me deeply?”
“Oh, I didn’t pay attention to your sentiments. Well, go on.”
“Life has no value except that it gives us chances to enjoy the resources
available in the world. A misanthrope is, therefore, the waste-product of
nature.”
“It’s indeed a great idea.”
“You know, every time I rang her doorbell I expected only her to
answer. So, whenever she opened the door for me, my heart would always
skip a beat, but if somebody else, I would feel like I was down in the
dumps. I’ve been a keen visitor to her house ever since my first encounter
with her but never once did my keenness force me to say, ‘I love you,
Annu!’ But then he who hesitates about saying something leaves himself
in the mistaken belief that he said nothing. – Here I’d rather you didn’t
interfere with my private affairs.”
“Oh, yes - you think so, then! But let me know if you want the wellbeing
of yours. If you do, be governed because you’re like a horse that
needs to be lashed, and if not, do what you like. By the way, are you sure
you can do anything on your own?”
“I’m, and I don’t want you to help me at all! Go in with a businessman;
go along with the views of a politician; go help a farmer! You’d better
help a lawyer in passing a monster off as a gentleman. A scientist may
need you. Go to his laboratory, where you can make better use of your
intelligence. Go for it, sir! You know, you can achieve fame. I’ve no use
for anybody who hates such ethereal affair as love. The world needs you
most. Get around! A lover needs you least!”
Walls of Hesitation 7
“Come, come, Mr Passion, a lunatic is better than a passionate fool.
The wit and wisdom is man. No one will like you if I’m not…”
“Oh I don’t deny your worth. I mean if you love me, translate your
wits into action – it’s no use arguing.”
“You must be mad if you think I love anybody. However, I’m
bound to find all that you want and therefore, never prevented you from
proposing to her. If you dare not breathe a word of it to them, do you
expect yourself to find a way to get around the problem?”
“Oh, don’t anticipate anything of the sort! I’d die without her. O,
my hands, legs, limbs, my good brain – the keepers of my life! Help me.
O, do something for me! I don’t need anything – not even my food and
drink – but her. She is my reason for living. For pity’s sake, find a solution
to this problem!”
“Mr Emotion, you’ve got to cry, haven’t you? Very well, cry your eyes
out. But, take care, don’t disturb me all too often.”
“No. I won’t. By the way, I just love the way she talks. Her voice is
lovely. Her etiquette is anything but enticing. She has no affectation at
all. She’s scrupulous in all her dealings and nobler than any girl I know...”
“Just shut up, will you?”
“But, Mr Wisdom, you don’t feel, as I do.”
“I can read into every feeling.”
“Can you respond too?”
“Certainly not – only fools can.”
“You don’t mean to say I am one?”
“Of course, and what is more, I’d prefer to call you a sentimental
hog.”
“I’m a fool, a sentimental hog! Is this all that you know about me? I
think I should tell you a little more of what I am. Now look, I’m both the
need and the contempt; I’m the guard and I’m the killer as well; I’m the
very life-force which is known as soul; I’m the poetry that rules the earth;
I’m an agent of God; I’m the king of the world. It’s I who set you all every
task; it’s I who consume the bounties of nature. You, Mr Science, now
you know your worth! You’re my slave – go where I ask you and do what
I command!”
“After all you are a beggar. You’re dependent on me and don’t you
Snippets of Life Music 8
forget it. Well, look at your teeth – somebody would have kicked them in
if it was not for me.”
Jay went on spending the night lying on the couch, lost in
contemplation of all that had happened during his efforts to attain his
love.
“My good old Reason, I didn’t mean to be rude. I love you very
much so I scold you sometimes. Anyway, I wish you could soon do away
with all the impediments.”
“In my opinion, Mr Emotion, you’re the greatest impediment
yourself.”
“How so?”
“Well, why don’t you ask her to marry you?”
“I want her to ask.”
“Oh, OK then. Have it your own way and wait about till she’s
married to someone else. You’ve chosen a wrong job – it seldom suits a
timid.”
“Don’t be so rude! Look, you are all the world to me.”
“Don’t try to flatter me. Go and flatter those who may resist the
execution of your plan.”
“Flatter! Nonsense! Only crafty people are good at it and not
someone like me who often goes all coy. Just examine this incident and
see what sort of man I am. Once I went to her and was received with an
enthusiastic welcome. We sat in the drawing room and talked for hours.
After that we enjoyed our midday meal which my friend had prepared
herself. Mr Reason, believe it or not I felt the aroma of a deep love rising
from each dish! In the evening, when I intended to get back, I thought to
say good-bye to her mama and so went upstairs. As I entered her room,
she looked at me. ‘You’re leaving?’ she asked, as I took the chair. ‘I’d
rather you stayed the night.’ ‘My Mom and Dad must be waiting for me.
Besides, I’ve got to attend my office early tomorrow,’ I politely refused.
“Soon I don’t know, what came in her mind that she chose to give
me a sort of social advice. ‘With you being their only son and you and
your father out at work, your mother must be feeling lonely in the house,’
she said. ‘Why don’t you think of marrying some young women of your
choice? I think you might have so far discovered one.’ Then she gave me
an inquiring look. But, you know, I feared that she might be trying to find
Walls of Hesitation 9
out if I was making improper suggestions to her daughter and steered
the conversation away from the topic. Here you look how I lost a golden
opportunity. If I had taken the risk in letting her in on my damned secret,
perhaps I’d have had my problem solved.”
“Here, I’m sure they won’t refuse your consent. After all, they won’t
kill you for it.”
“Even so, I fear they might show me the door.”
“Oh, no, definitely not. Just you leave your habitual hesitation. –
Remember, hesitation kills trust and faith and also gives rise to weakness.”
“I can’t say I don’t welcome your suggestions. I mean to say, the
more opinions we have, the more prudent decisions we’ll make.”
“But, Mr Emotion, too many of them will lead us nowhere.”
“Here, come round to my way of thinking – we’ll certainly get
somewhere. Do you know the main obstacle which we’ve got to
overcome? I think there’s nothing to worry about the ‘yes’ of Annu
– she’d have helped us but for her shyness. I’d like you to recollect, for
instance, all that happened at dusk on the day when I was walking across
the central court yard in order to leave her house. Didn’t you observe how
she came up to me, stood in my way, gave me a seductive smile, caught
hold of my shoulders, gazed at me desirably and embarrassed me with her
comments about my being hot and handsome? That says it all, doesn’t
it? As for her parents, I doubt them as, in my opinion, they are crazy,
obstinate and orthodox and hence, hard guys to prevail on.”
Jay was still lying on the couch, musing on the past events.
“Your statements are often contradictory and confusing. On the
one hand, you say that her parents show their inclination, and on the
other hand you doubt them. Anyway, if it looks that they are prejudiced
against a match from a different caste, I’d recommend you to opt for some
unlawful method. Sometimes such practices prove to be more effective
and result oriented.”
“You mean I should cast every air of gentility aside?”
“Supposing you shouldn’t, what will you do then?”
“What will I do? I’ll convince them to give up such vain and out-ofdate
beliefs. But then, they’re bound to consider me to be one.”
“How’s that?”
Snippets of Life Music 10
“Granted, they’ve nothing to do with the heartbreak that I must
face after losing her, but they still have a lot to do with the agony she
might be in. However, if they’ll not compromise their principles, then
so be it. They’re sure to regret it! They’re sure to lament the failure of
her marriage! And what is more, they’re sure to have no remedy to their
mistake!”
“You’re some expert, I must say! Come over here, darling! Oh, it
looks you wallow in self-pity! You know something? I’ve much learnt
my lesson! You can rule only stupid people – the cunnings will enslave
you. You think I don’t know what you intend? Haven’t you got to get
sympathy from them? Well, suppose you haven’t – why are you posing
your innocence? Mind only crafty people take advantage of it. I’ve seen
a good many sentimental donkeys carrying loads for those who show
them all the false sympathy, and also parting with a lot of money out of
sympathy for a wily old fox.”
“What do you mean, I seek sympathies?”
“Of course, what else would it come to mean if you daren’t tell them?
To be honest, you look more like a beggar than a buyer.”
“A buyer? Can true love be bought and sold?”
“Anyway, things so obtained are alms?”
“Who’re parents to put a price? I love her too much is all that I’ve to
pay for her.”
“I never mean you must be a millionaire, man – I mean you must be
a perfect match for her!”
“Are we not a match?”
“May be, but passion lasts one a short time; parents are usually better
match-makers.”
“I don’t believe so, Mr Reason. If it were so short-lived, I should have
left off loving her by now.”
“In fact, you’ve never made love. If you did, you’d be practical.”
“Nonetheless, I can go straight her home, shouting ‘I love Miss so –
and – so; I want to marry her; help me, gentlemen’!”
“Mr Emotion, you’d be doing a serious harm to the honour of the
family. Shame on you! There’s a big difference between a lustful and a
famished man, you know.”
Walls of Hesitation 11
“Are you calling our pure love a lust? Get cramp in your tongue, you
impudent fellow! Well, you know what more I can do? I can even kill
myself; do know it now!”
“I’ve nothing new to know – passionate pigs often do so. I wonder
how it’s easier for you to commit suicide than to give up hesitation.”
“You think they’re not sure whether I’m willing to marry her? Mr
Reason, they are. I’ll tell you how. On one occasion, as I entered her
house, I found her sitting alone in the hall. It was not proper for me, I
thought, to visit with her in absence of her family members, so I decided
to turn back. But she came up to me, took my arm and led me in. We sat
without a word. But a little while later, she folded me in her arms. I was
afraid lest somebody had watched us. When she snuggled her head on to
my shoulder, I saw her eyes were shut and the countenance glowing with
satisfaction. The bloom in her cheeks was like a May rose: pink, fresh
and fragrant. I sort of felt that she had some ethereal beauty to tempt me
into hugging her tightly to my chest, kissing her on the lips, pressing my
nose and forehead on to hers and giving her soft long hair a stroke. You’ll
never guess how difficult it was for me to restrain myself from doing so.
Anyway, we suddenly heard someone coming in, and with that we moved
apart quickly. ‘Oh hell, it’s her mother!’ I muttered under my breath. I
trembled at the thought of having to reply to her inquiries. I forgot to say
hello to her. Instead, I hung my head in shame. But what finally fell was
bewildering and relaxing as she greeted me with a smile instead. Do you
still...?”
“Do you mean to say they already know what you want, so they
should act accordingly?”
“So they’d let me marry her, only they have a wait for my verbal
agreement, is that right?”
“Oh yeah, definitely!”
“Wouldn’t they take offence if I told them straight out that I love
their daughter?”
“Why don’t you think they’d like to ask your opinion on this matter,
even if they belonged to your caste or were sure of your yes?”
“Well, if you’re right, I think they’ll initiate. Let’s wait on it.”
“What have you been doing over the past four years, then?”
“But then, our matter is very near to a close now.”
Snippets of Life Music 12
“So it is! Perhaps, it’s near to taking a new turn.”
“Do you think they’ve started looking for her match in their own
social group?”
“They will if they feel you are hostile towards her.”
“Don’t be so horrid! Tell me what to do.”
“Sit by and watch it happen.”
“Sit by? Not likely! I’ll do it, only I hesitate about doing so.”
“So do they, I guess. Anyway, mind you don’t ruin your chance –
hesitation is the wolf that gobbles up one’s dues.”
“What! Her parents! They hesitate – does a giver ever!”
“Mr Emotion, to avoid confusion they’ve no hesitation in asking
anything of you, mind. In fact, they hesitate to ask your parents for their
permission. As to you say they’re givers, I’d like to ask if you are not.
Go and ask your parents whether they’ll allow a girl like your friend to
marry you. Sometimes a thing rare and precious for you may be a burden
to someone else. In such a case, we hear the purchaser say that he has
purchased something at the lowest price. You’re, therefore, as valuable to
your friend as she is to you. The value of a thing always mimics the rise
and fall of its need.”
“You mean she’s a burden to her parents and I’m someone valuable
to them? Mr Savoir-faire, you are roaming on the fairy land.”
“I never mean she’s a burden to her parents – I mean they’re
burdened with the worries about a suitable match for her; I mean you
may be an easy solution for their problem; I mean it’s easier for anybody
to shake off his own hesitation than to make the other party do it; I mean
if you miss this chance, you’ll miss every; and above all, I mean it is easier
to convince a stone-sculpture of a thing than a fool.”
“I think I’m trying my best to take the advantage of their need.
However, I wonder if there’s any need to ask for something, when the
giver already knows what you want from him.”
“Well – I would never have guessed it! But remember, a mother will
not feed her baby if he does not cry. Suppose a man is standing under
a tree and looking at a bunch of fruit swinging from one of its high
branches – what’ll you consider his doings to be? Will that be his effort
into plucking them?”
Walls of Hesitation 13
“It doesn’t matter that he may break his neck, - Mr Reason, please
note I’ve my own standing and I won’t do anything that may provoke
them into humiliating me.”
“Well, I feel the walls of hesitation aren’t going to give way to both of
you – for Lady Fate always sends her imps beforehand to blind her prey
to everything that is judicious. They’d certainly leave you frustrated. I’m
sorry I can’t help you any better. You seem to be wise enough, so I leave
you to your own devices. God bless you!”
*****
Thereafter, the conversation in Jay’s mind paused and with that he
felt an awkward silence, except for the occasional noise of road vehicles.
The episode of his promotion and all that had happened to him that
day occurred back to him. He got up and glanced at the watch. It said
midnight. He soon thought of his supper and went to the dining table,
where the dishes lay cold and tasteless.
Being repeatedly haunted by the thought, he could get a broken sleep
that night. When he woke up in the morning, his eyes looked bleary red.
He showed little interest in getting ready for the office. However, when
he reached his office, his colleagues were amazed to see a disconsolate
expression on his face.
“What’s wrong with you, I wonder?” asked Harish, an officer of his
same rank. “You’ve just been promoted to executive officer. You must
look happy instead.”
“No, no I’m happy,” replied Jay, pretending to look happy.
“You’re trying to hide something from us. Jay.”
“Oh, Harish, come on – it’s time for us to be in our offices. Well, I’ll
tell you all about that later on.”
Both the officers walked to their rooms and set to work. Of all
the fellow officers, Harish was closest to Jay. They used to have lunch
together and often discuss their private matters over it. Today, Harish was
very eager to know why Jay was so worried, so he went to his room with
his box lunch when it came.
“Harish, do you remember Mr and Mrs Roy?” began Jay. I took you
to their house two years ago when we went home for holidays, but I did
not tell you that I was in love with their daughter, Annu. You know, she
Snippets of Life Music 14
has been married for over a year to a bank PO. Since her husband was a
stranger to me, I had to stop all communication with her. Last evening, she
rang me and we talked on the phone for about half an hour. You know, it
aroused my passion for her again and made me blind to everything else.”
He then whimpered with tears in his eyes.
“What a pity it moves you to tears!” whispered Harish sympathetically.
“It pains me terribly whenever I am reminded of her marriage. I’m a
poor wretch and oppressed by a cruel fate.”
“I wonder why you bother with all that can’t be reversed. For heaven’s
sake, try to forget her!”
“It’s impossible, Harish, quite impossible for me to forget her. I
loved her and can’t help loving her. Ah, but that’s not possible! She’s now
nothing of anything that is mine!”
“If you take my advice you’ll not muse about the thing which is
beyond the bounds of possibility – think of some alternative.”
“Do you believe I do not? I try to remain detached, but fail.”
“Time is, however, a panacea for all our wounds, Jay,” Harish
consoled him. “Look, a worst today often brings you a happy tomorrow.
You’ve seen storm destroying everything but it still can’t damage the
natural course of sprout.”
“Thank you for trying to raise my spirits.”
“I’m sorry that you don’t know how life runs. Well, imagine the ebb
and flow of the tide – that is what it moves like. Patience – no pain is
lasting!”
“Perhaps, you don’t know that this pain is not going to end.”
“How come?”
“Because I failed to make her my fiancée without a valid reason. You
know, they belong to a different caste, though lower than mine, and it
was because of this I could never pluck up the courage to propose to her,
or rather faced a dilemma about whether to reveal my inner self or not.
I only visited with them for four years in the hope that they would ask
me to marry their daughter and when it seemed to me that I’d get no
response, I even decided to go to any lengths but I feared that they might
be offended and forbid me to see her again, which, I thought, would be
quite intolerable to me.”
Walls of Hesitation 15
“Are you sure they would have responded positively if you had
proposed to her?” asked Harish.
“So you listen to what her father finally revealed. ‘Come here, my
dear,’ he said to me, when one day I visited them after Annu’s marriage.
‘I’ve something to talk to you. You know Niranjan, the eldest of Mr
Anand Mohan’s two sons? We first met you at his wedding party. Shortly
thereafter, we came as close to each other as a family. You know, my wife
often admires you for your propriety. Anyway, we once planned on
marrying Annu to you, but we thought your parents might discriminate
against us on grounds of caste and so started looking for another match
from among our relations. What happened next is known to you. You
might also have learned that our poor Annu has become emotionally
unstable owing to her dislike of her spouse. Perhaps, she wanted to marry
you. I wish we’d known about the intensity of her choice beforehand. Oh,
by the way, if we had asked you to marry her, would you have agreed?’ Do
you know what happened? I failed in my attempt to choke back sobs and
also saw tears of repentance welling up in his…”
By Ramesh Chandra Tiwari rameshctiwari600@gmail.com
Written on 29 November 2007
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